letter for mom and dad

i was teenager that time. as rebellious as all the girls in the magazine.

you told me this you told me that. and i was always the wrong one.
you yelled at me and i yelled at you back. and in the end we both sorry.

you said it was the best for me, but i thought it was all for your own sake.
i said, "this is my life, let me live the way i want to."
sounded right, but now i realize i was the one who's selfish.

i was teenager that time. it was never easy for me. but i should have known that it was not easy for both of you too.

i was so closed from pathetic future. but i think God knows how to change my mind. so in the end i think it's a win-win solution.

now, i'm in the new town. looking for the real me alone.
far from mom and dad's embrace.
this new world is so cold ,hard and lonely.
and the path i walk is rough.
people pushed me down, people let me down
and all my dreams seem too far to reach. i can even barely see them.

but i believe God knows what's best, cause i realize every new scar He let us have , means new lesson.
He seperated us far far away from each other. Maybe He know that we need space to grow. grow toward Him.

i know my little sister will definitely be mad if i don't include her in this letter.
so for you lil sis, i love you, okay?
learn as much as you can because your generation is much harder than mine.
i regret all the time i wasted when i was your age. don't follow my path, cause i know you still have time.
listen to mom and dad, because although i hate to admit it, but they're always (almost) right.

please pray for me. you have given so much to me but pray is the most powerful thing of all.

i'm still hoping i'm gonna make you both proud someday.
and i'm still praying that one day, we'll be together again.

i love you all so much..

Someday-John Legend

since the first day i heard this song, i know i'd love it forever..

but now you’re gone and memories all I have for now ,but no it’s not over, we’ll get older, we’ll get over, we’ll live to see the day that I hope for come back to me. I still believe that, we’ll get it right again. we’ll come back to life again. we won’t say another goodbye again, you’ll live forever with me. someday, someday we’ll be together

I believe there is more to life..oh I love you much more than life itself..

but, i never realize how beautiful the lyrics is. i think i'm just being sensitive because of everything that's going on in life these several days.
why there are so many regret in our life. i have just lived for 20 years 10 months, and i've disappointed almost everyone i met in my whole life. i envy nice people. they maybe have been disappointed by most people who took them for granted or never realized their value. But let me tell you, nice people.. you're the lucky one. people hurt you cause they envy you. cause they wanted to see you hurt somebody else. they wanted to see even a really nice guy can fall.
but you never know what it's liked to hurt someone. it's the worst feeling ever. because you're hurt more.
the guilty feeling will never vanish and until you can say sorry, it'll never gone. but pride sometimes take place between them. i don't know if i like being adult or not. sometimes i like it cause now, i become more and more resistant to what other people say about me. i didn't give any fuck for them. if they didn't like my way, then fine. i have much more confident than what i had in high school. i just keep thinking, why can i never think like that when i was in High school.

actually i don't know if it's good or not, cause sometimes you really have to listen to people right?

what i don't like about being a grown-up is my pride is as high as a skyscraper. it's really hard to even say sorry. not because i don't want to it's just, i can't stand the embarrassment. ahh.. i hate it. but i know it's wrong. i've learn so much that you never know how much time you have before that chance's gone.

i never gonna back to the past. i hate my past. i never wanna going back and repeat it all again.
but i think i'm trapped in it. i run but it keep haunting me. i always hope someday i'll change and become a different person. but then i realize. there's no tomorrow! it's now or everything is just a big lie.

arghh, i'm such a drama queen and a cry-baby..but when it come to blog, everybody is fighting to be the most pittyful one right? hahaha..

#and now i realize how far this post from the title.. but, i've always diagnosed myself as Attention deficit disorder patient..hehe

by the shore

"But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.



The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever. 

#friend

i wish i were there with her right now. i pray for you to stand still.
you are the strongest person i've ever known..

100 truths!!

i just find this from my sister's note and you can copy this too..it's quite fun.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage:UHT chocolate milk
2. Last phone call: my dad
3. Last text message: my friend
4. Last song you listened to: Taylor swift's new song Holy Ground (actually i'm listening to it now)
5. Last time you cried: about 2 or 3 days ago, a little thing, but i'm on my period so i guess it's acceptable..

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: at the same time? no, i don't even ever have a BF. yeah, laugh at me!
7. Been cheated on: no,unless you count someone i'm dating in my mind and then he has GF.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: no
9. Lost someone special :yes
10. Been depressed: yes
11. Been drunk and threw up: no

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. grass green
13. sea blue
14. pastel yellow

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2012)
15. Made a new friend:yes
16. Fallen out of love: not this year. i even already forgot what it's like to fall in love..hehe
17. Laughed until you cried:of course!
18. Met someone who changed you: hm..maybe, but i don't realize it..
19. Found out who your true friends were: hm..yes?
20. Found out someone was talking about you: yes.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: no..i'm not that kind of girl/friend who express things with touchs..
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: almost everyone..
23. How many kids do you want to have: i don't know. i haven't even decided if i want to have kids or not.
24. Do you have any pets: yes, best dog ever (well, for me) Molly
25. Do you want to change your name: Hmm..no
26. What did you do for your last birthday: it was exam's day. pathetic i know..
27. What time did you wake up today: 11.00 am i guess. but, i slept at 6 am!
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: reading, blogging, singing, and other stupid things
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Christmas!!!!!! i'm so ready for it!
30. Last time you saw your Mother: huhu..last september i guess, at my grandpa funeral.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: My body? or my brain, so i can see my body differently?
32. What are you listening to right now: Taylor Swift's new album, Jon Mclaughlin
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no..wait, is tommy include?
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: my internet speed!!
35. Most visited webpage: wordpress, facebook, youtube.
36. Whats your real name: *censored 
37. Nicknames: Jean, Jen, BJ.
38. Relationship Status: Single and not trying to change it.
39. Zodiac sign: Aquarius
40. Male or female?:female
41. Elementary?: BPK Penabur
42. Middle School?: BPK Penabur
43. High school/college?: BPK Penabur. yes, i made in BPK Penabur, and i'm proud of it..hoho
44. Hair colour: Black but also a little bit red under the sun..
45. Long or short: medium
46. Height: +-157 cm.
47. Do you have a crush on someone?:not now, but do celebrity or fictional boys from books count? cause if yes, i do have a huge crush on some boys..haha
48: What do you like about yourself?: hard thinker
49. Piercings: No.
50. Tattoos: No.
51. Righty or lefty: Righty.

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: no
53. First piercing: No.
54. First best friend: bianca suciadi, when i was in kindergarten 
55. First sport you joined: swimming
56. First vacation: Singapore
58. First pair of trainers: none
59. Eating: Raisins
60. Drinking: mineral water
61. I'm about to: studying
62. Listening to: Taylor Swift's I Almost Do
63. Waiting on: nothing.

YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids?: i don't know. i love kids so much, but i don't think i'm ready for such a huge responsibility like that..
65. Get Married?: Maybe, but if God has different plan, i'm ready..
66. Career?:at New Zealand.

WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: both
69. Shorter or taller: Medium
70. Older or Younger: older..
71. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous but sometimes romantic..
72. Nice breasts or nice bottoms / Nice stomachs or nice arms: nice everything..haha
73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant:Trouble Maker. but i'm a hesitant type of girl.

HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger: never
77. Drank hard liquor: no
78. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes!! almost every year since first i use glasses! the last glasses is the longest one.
79. Sex on first date: no. and hopefully never!
80. Broken someone's heart :  i have no idea
82. Been arrested: No
83. Turned someone down: yes, unintentionally. 
84. Cried when someone died: Yes
85. Fallen for a friend?:yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: i'm  trying..
87. Miracles: yes
88. Love at first sight: maybe
89. Heaven: yes
90. Santa Claus: no. But i believe in gifts..=p
91. Kiss on the first date: no
92. Angels:yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: No
95. Did you sing today?:yes, i love singing! 
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: no
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: no, i never want to go back there.
98. If you could pick a day and relive it, what would it be?: every day i let my mom down.. and the day my first dog died..
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: sometimes
100. Posting this as 100 truths?:yes

Holla, world!!

well, actually i have another blog about movies and books.. But, random things also happens in my life. And i think it's kind of inappropriate to post it in that blog. So, i decided to make a new blog and promise to try to be as open as possible. I think it's gonna be some stupid, nerd, dorky stuff of a 20 years old medical student, but yah..i wish it'll entertain you. and hope that i'm not that irritating..hoho

as first post, i'll give you this picture..haha i love this one.

Any one of you are a Queen's fans? i know it's kind of weird to see girl  at my age love queen's song. But i do. i do love them. My dad and my mom were their fans so since child, i'm kind of familiar with their songs.
it's kind of Rock but also like a orchestra. All music from England are always really classy (except one direction of course! but i like them though.. hehe)

i think it's enough for first move..